Why I’m Not Mad at My Brain

I’m a smart person. And I’m really good at figuring things out. Like, it’s really hard to plan a surprise party for me. I ALWAYS know.

And I’m an introspective person. I have a whole box of journals. I’ve been in therapy. I’ve read loads of self-help books.

So how on earth did I go 50 years without knowing I’m a lesbian? And yes, I have been a lesbian this entire time. But I didn’t see it.

When I first figured myself out I was mad. Mad at myself. Mad at my brain.

❓ How could I have been so clueless?

❓ Why did I lie to myself all these years?

❓ What possessed me to rationalize away all the feelings I’ve had for women?

Then I saw a TikTok that explained it for me. (It was by @riotofwords if you’re wondering.) She talked about this very phenomenon. And then she explained why late-in-life lesbians don’t need to be mad at our brains.

You see, our brains were protecting us. 

The reason I didn’t figure out I was a lesbian until now is because it wasn’t safe. My brain assessed the danger involved in that omission and protected me by shielding me from the truth.

Danger isn’t always physical. As an over-50 adult in a country where being LGBTQ+ is not illegal, I wasn’t going to be in physical danger if I admitted the truth to myself. But emotionally and spiritually it wasn’t safe.

I was raised to believe that gay people were bad. Not just “sinners”, but the worst of the worst. My mom hates gay people. My religion hates gay people. I believed that it was impossible to be both gay and Christian at the same time. And for most of my life, I believed that not being a Christian would doom me to live a miserable life constantly humbled by God, and then ultimately to burn in hell.

Being gay wasn’t safe. It wasn’t even an option.

It wasn’t until the 2020 mess that I started to loosen my grip on those beliefs. Lockdown gave me the chance to get away from church, and to get away from my homophobic, religious family. And gratefully a mentor came into my life who held space for me to figure myself out.

Once my brain felt safe, the walls just dropped. Like literally one day I realized, “holy shit, I’m a lesbian!”

And once I knew, I felt as if a 1,000 pound weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I was finally able to release the walls I had built in my brain to hide the truth. I was finally able to stop performing mental gymnastics to explain away all the feelings and desires I’d been running from.

I think I was just finally ready. The religious stuff didn’t matter to me anymore. I wasn’t worried about burning in hell. It was finally time to admit the truth to myself and stop running. And I’m so glad I did.

Yes, I wish I’d figured it out younger. I would have lived a very different life. But again, with my upbringing and religious brainwashing, it took literally 50 years to feel safe. But now that I do, I’m never going back.

If you’re coming out later in life, you may know what I mean. And you may be mad at your brain too. But try to cut it some slack. It really was just trying to protect you.