If My Mom Had a List…
I was raised in a conservative Christian home. And as a kid, the worst thing I could possibly do was disobey or disrespect my parents. There was no talking back. And I got in BIG trouble if I didn’t do what they said.
Once when I was in high school I was at the mall with my friends. I was feeling free and having fun. But dinner…
My family ate together at 6:30 EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT. Around the table, usually in tense silence because my dad was grumpy back in those days.
Well, I didn’t want to leave the mall. So I called my mom and asked if I could stay there and miss dinner ‘just this once’. Well, of course the answer was ‘no’.
But I stayed anyway. Probably my biggest act of rebellion as a child. I disobeyed and disrespected my parents. So my dad left the house furious and hunted me down. I remember him coming to the mall, but after that it’s a complete blank. I’m guessing it wasn’t pretty.
I learned my lesson though. I didn’t overtly rebel against my parents after that. Even as an adult. I spent decades trying to live a life that pleased them. Now, it wasn’t always conscious. When I was striving to be the perfect Christian homeschooling mom, I wasn’t intentionally trying to do what my mom wanted. But, looking back, that’s exactly why I did it.
Well… things are different now.
The other day I was joking with my 14-year-old that my life has become the compilation of all my mom's worst nightmares.
If she were to make a list of all the legal things I could do to let her down, it would look something like this:
Get divorced. ✅
Become a democrat. ✅
Stop going to church. ✅
Cuss like a sailor. ✅
Do witchy stuff — crystals, candles, meditation, moon rituals… ✅
Become a feminist. ✅
Participate in a pro-choice demonstration. ✅
Quit my stable teaching job and start my own business. ✅
Sell my house and move into an apartment. ✅
Raise my kids to follow their own path and choose their own beliefs. ✅
And of course, be a lesbian. ✅
I’m sure there’s more.
It’s hard to know in your heart that you’re a disappointment to your mother. And honestly, she doesn’t even know about most of this stuff. But if she did, she’d be horrified. And she’d be convinced I’m headed straight to hell.
The struggle is real. Growing up, I knew not pleasing my parents wasn’t safe, so it’s been a hard habit to break. As I started to live in my authenticity, I’d find myself having practice arguments with my mom in my head. I was hoping to somehow reconcile who I am with who she thinks I should be. (And yes, I’ve gone to therapy).
But I’m learning to let go.
It has meant that I’ve needed to pull away from her. And, no, I haven't explained why. Sometimes I have near panic attacks when I talk to her. I dread family gatherings. At some point I may be brave enough to just skip them altogether.
Mother/daughter relationships are complicated. And my mom has never truly let me go. She still seems to believe that I am a reflection of her. She worries about what other people will think of her based on who I am and how I live.
She thinks I owe her. But I don’t.
