Unrealized Lesbians

Why are there so many women who don't realize they're lesbians until they are deeply entrenched in a straight life? 

Countless women get married to men and have children before they realize they're gay. It's not that they're just in the closet and don't want anyone else to know. They really, genuinely don't realize that they're gay.

Then at some point down the road, something happens and they finally recognize their queerness and admit the truth. Sometimes it's a sexual encounter with a woman, or undeniable feelings for a best friend. Sometimes the light just finally dawns.

But this has happened to more women than we probably realize. There’s been a population explosion of later-in-life lesbians in the LGBTQ+ community.

But how does this happen?

Think of how things go when a baby is born. "It's a girl!" the doctor exclaims. And suddenly that child is branded with societal expectations that she (they or he) doesn't even realize. 

They are expected to be:

😕 Caretakers, putting others before themselves.

😕 Emotional, ruled by the waves of a 28-day hormonal cycle.

😕 Destined to be a wife and mother.

I’ll stop there. But honestly, this list could go on for quite a while. If you listen to some of the misogynistic podcasts hosts who have gained popularity, you'll hear all the stereotypes and expectations put on women.

But this tiny baby doesn't know any of this yet...

But she grows up wearing pink frilly dresses and bows, playing with dolls, and being told she's a princess -- while watching the Disney movies where every princess is just waiting to be rescued by her prince.

These beliefs and expectations become so ingrained that by the time this little girl hits puberty, she doesn't know that any other possibilities exist. Sure, she may have heard the word "lesbian" along the way. But it was likely muttered with disgust — especially if she grew up in a conservative, religious environment.

Plus, all along the way society teaches her that she needs to earn her value by pleasing those around her. So she becomes a people-pleaser and a "good girl". And all the while, she may never see a wlw couple. She may have no idea that this kind of love is even a possibility for her.

It's called compulsory heterosexuality. And it's so deeply ingrained in our culture that we don't even notice it... until we do.

When I was a kid, and even all the way into college, people didn't admit they were gay — especially women. I grew up in Texas where it literally wasn't safe. Even though I was in the school of the arts at my college, I didn’t know even one woman who was out. Sure, there was the stunning couple of opera singers who were inseparable "roommates". But they never admitted what was really going on. Add to that the conservative Christian beliefs I was brought up with, and it became all the more difficult to see the truth in myself. Gay people go to hell, or so I was taught.

So for me at least, when the gay would creep up and threaten to make itself known, I’d double down and Christian harder. I joined a super intense church — one might call it a cult — and made my whole life about pleasing a god who apparently wasn't fond of gay people.

It's no wonder it took me  (and probably you too) decades to finally see the truth. It’s taken courage to get where we are. Even if you're just starting to question, you’ve tapped into deep bravery when you ask that particular question. 

I look at my kids and see a better future for them and all their queer friends. Yes, the right wing political machine is systematically attacking anyone and everyone in the LGBTQ+ community. According to their ideology, we're apparently a threat to well... everyone. But eventually all the old white men who are in charge of that political party will go away. I believe that all this hate we're seeing today is the final death throes of the anti-LGBTQ+ movement. And by the time our kids are our age, they will no longer be able to imagine having actual laws drawn up against them.

Gen Z has broken free of much of the comphet that we had to deal with. Queer kids aren't staying in the closet. Hell, even straight kids are out marching with Pride flags to protest "don't say gay" bills and stand up for their LGBTQ+ friends and classmates.

Sometimes I wish I'd been born later so I could have lived my life more authentically sooner. And everyone once in a while I let myself wallow in self-pity about it. But I see us making a difference for the future. All of us. As we come out, divorce our husbands, cut off our hair, date or marry women, stand up to the bigots, or own any expression of our queerness we are changing the conversation. We are becoming the people we needed to see as kids.

We are doing our part to build a future where the term late-in-life-lesbian is no longer needed.