My 2-Year Lesbiversary
I don't really care about birthdays. I don't really celebrate my own. And I'm terrible about remembering other people's. But when the anniversary of a significant life event rolls around, I remember.
It was two years ago that I had my "holy shit, I’m a lesbian" moment. Even though that fateful day was years in the making, I didn't see it coming at all.
I grew up Christian, 100% believing that gay people were not just destined for hell, but the worst, most sinful people. The ones God had given up on. So any time the gay inside would start to worm its way to the surface, I'd push it back down and Christian harder.
But like so many of us, I was transformed during the pandemic. While we were in lockdown, I had a sense that I had entered into a chrysalis. Perhaps you did too. I didn't know what was going to emerge at the end of the transformation, but I knew I would somehow be different.
During that time, a few things happened to point me toward my true self.
First off, I stopped going to church. At the beginning of lockdown, I attended online, and at first I was attentive and focused. But over time I lost interest and started looking for other things to do while I “listened”. It started off with eating breakfast. But eventually, I got to where I’d just fall asleep. Then I just stopped going at all.
Second, I was physically separated from my deeply religious family. So I was able to wriggle free from the constant tug of my mom's unspoken expectations.
Third, I found a mentor. This was supposed to be a business mentor. But she ended up being so much more. No, she wasn't my catalyst. Not in the way that so many later-in-life lesbians have a catalyst — a woman they have an attraction to that makes it impossible to ignore their sexuality.
This mentor opened the door for me in a different way. She helped me feel safe enough to examine my own biases — to consider that maybe... just maybe, my religious beliefs were wrong, or at least not the end all of ultimate truth. She helped me feel safe enough to look into my shadow and see what dark secrets I was hiding from myself. And yes, there was a big one.
Turns out I've been gay this whole time. That secret hid in my shadow for all these decades because I was terrified of it. As I desperately clung to my religious belief system, it wasn’t possible for me to face the truth about my sexuality. I had to let go of my bias against gay people before I could even begin to consider that I might be one.
On that day two years ago, when I felt safe enough to open a crack in my lifelong paradigm, just the right moment came along to finally push me past my fear and into the light of the truth.
I was innocently scrolling along and there it was — an article titled "Am I a Lesbian?". After reading about a third of the article, I understood my truth. Lesbian had never been a possibility for me. And since my attraction to women wasn't something I talked about, I didn't realize I felt different from anyone else. Well, okay... I did. But I didn't know why.
Of course I thought all women were beautiful. Who didn't? Of course I was uncomfortable around men. Who wasn't? Of course I didn't want to find a new husband after my divorce. Why would I?
But finally on that day, two years ago, the door was opened and the light switched on. It didn't take an affair. It was just me sitting in my bedroom and finding just the right article at just the right time. I was finally ready to admit it.
After running from it my entire life, it turns out I'm a lesbian after all. Sometimes I feel frustrated that it took me so long to figure it out. But I wasn’t ready to see the truth… until I was. And when I finally faced it, I was able to embrace my identity with joy and relief. Maybe I discovered my truth right on time.
Happy Lesbiversary to me!
