Searching For My Lesbian Style

I was raised to believe certain things about womanhood. Women should be quiet, submissive, meek, obedient, low-maintenance. As a woman, my job would be to keep my husband happy and raise obedient children who had such a firm foundation of faith that they wouldn’t wander off once they were released out into the world.

I also learned how a woman should look. There were a few important pillars of a Christian woman’s appearance:

Thin — this is of utmost importance. As a woman, it would be my job to attract a husband and then keep him sexually satisfied. And you could only do that if you were thin.

Pretty — This includes makeup. Makeup is the key to pretty. And you should know just how to apply it. You have to wear it all the time, but not too much. You don’t want to look like a slut.

Modest — Christian women are expected to walk that fine line of being attractive, but not too attractive. You want to be pretty enough to attract a man and keep him distracted so he won’t be tempted by all the other women on tv and social media. But, you have to be modest enough not to be a temptation yourself.

Feminine — This is a big one. You have to be feminine. That means being petite and pretty with makeup, styled hair, and girly clothes.

I did my best to keep up with all of this during my straight, Christian years. To stay thin, I dieted endlessly. I was practically the poster-child for Weight Watchers. I wore makeup, but I absolutely hated it. I hated the way it felt on my skin. I hated having to take it off. But it made me look pretty. For a while I even convinced myself to be a consultant for a makeup and skincare MLM.

Clothes were a tough one. It’s not that I didn’t want to dress modestly. I had no issue there. But I wanted to be comfortable. And I hated women’s fashion. Especially the horrible, loud clothes my mom inevitably bought me for Christmas. I hated floral patterns and loud colors. And I hated wearing heels. 

As a teacher I managed to find clothes that worked okay. Most everything was made of soft fabric and most of my pants had an elastic waist. I just hated tight, pinchy women’s clothes.

And my hair. I relied on my long-ass (or rather ass-long) hair to keep me looking feminine. I hid behind that hair for decades. I thought it was cool. But I kind of hated it too. I never wore it down. I put it in a French braid every single day for 20 years. I got so fast that I could put my hair in an absolutely perfect French braid with no mirror in under 3 minutes. (And yes, I timed it.) But I really believed that as long as I had that long hair, I could check the “feminine” box.

I wanted short hair. I even had a secret Pinterest board of literally hundreds of short haircuts. I added to it for over 5 years. And I’d think about cutting my hair. But I’d never do it. I was too afraid I’d look like a lesbian.

Now I’m not scared to look like a lesbian.

I’m no longer trying to convince myself and the world that I’m straight. It’s such a relief. One of my favorite things about being gay is that I can let go of all the Christian woman bullshit.

So I’m on a quest to discover my personal style. And I’m honestly having a really hard time. I naturally default to $10 stretchy pants from Wal-Mart and a Star Trek t-shirt most of the time. And now that I work from home, I don’t need fancy work clothes.

But I’d still like to know my style. 

As a lesbian, it seems to come down to “masc” or “femme”

I am not a femme lesbian. I hate makeup. I hate wearing dresses and fancy shoes. I don’t like big earrings. And I can’t stand hair products.

But masc feels scary to me. I think ultimately, I’ll probably land in this ballpark anyway. But I think with all the internalized homophobia that still lingers from my religious upbringing, looking anywhere near butch is a bit scary.

Plus, in some ways I don’t fit that. I was not a sporty tomboy at school. So can I have a more masculine style now? It’s hard not to get caught up in stereotypes.

✔ I did stop wearing makeup. Even on dates. 

✔ I did finally cut off my hair. Like 2 feet of it. (You can read the hair story here).

✔ And nothing but Birkenstocks and workout shoes have touched my feet in decades.

When I put on a pair of jeans and a button-down shirt I like the way I look. But there’s a part of me that feels some imposter syndrome. Can I really dress like that? Is that really me?

I’m still figuring it all out. I’ve gone through my closet and donated tons of stuff. I pick things up that I used to wear all the time and literally shudder. But at this point, my closet is just getting emptier. I’m not sure what type of clothes I want to buy to fill in those gaps.

So for now, it’s still mostly Wal-Mart pants and Star Trek t-shirts. But I’m sure I’ll find my way.

And yes, I do have a secret “lesbian style” Pinterest board.