5 Words

Last week I was on a Zoom call with a queer book coach I worked with a few months ago. She’s expanding her book-coaching business and since I fit into the category of one of her “ideal clients”, she wanted to interview me to get a better sense of my needs and desires as a writer.

I’m a copywriter by profession so I live in the marketing space. So these questions were not new to me. The point of these types of interviews is to figure out your ideal client’s pain points so you can target your services to best serve them and your marketing to best reach them. 

She started running down her list of questions:

“What is bothering you the most right now as you work on writing your book?” 

“Is there anything standing in the way of you achieving your goals, and if so what is it?”

Easy peasy. I had quick and thorough answers to these questions.

“Name 5 words that describe you.”

I paused for a second here. This isn’t something I’ve thought much about lately. But I was able to pretty easily come up with 5 words: resilient, strong, disruptive, creative, smart…

“Name 5 words that DON’T describe you.”

I just sat there and stared at her through the Zoom screen. I was totally stumped. There are thousands upon thousands of descriptive words out there. How could I not think of 5 that didn’t describe me? The only word that came to mind as something I’m definitely not was “Republican”.

In an effort to let me off the hook, she said “no problem. We can just skip that question.”

But I kind of didn’t want to. It was bugging me that I couldn’t think of anything.

So she suggested, “think of the words that are opposites to the ones that describe you.” Okay maybe. 

The opposite of smart? Unintelligent, I guess? Okay, that’s one.

What’s the opposite of resilient? Fragile? I thought back to my religious days when I would never stand up for myself. When I gave up really easily. When I constantly worried that I wasn’t good enough.

So I didn’t feel like I could say I wasn’t fragile.

What about the opposite of strong? Was I weak? I was certainly weak-willed back when I was in church. I just did what they told me. I was convinced that women were weak by nature, so I had a tendency to think I needed a man to solve my problems and help me through life.

What about the opposite of disruptive? Compliant. I was soooo compliant. I did everything I could to please those who had authority over me — whether real or imagined. Bosses. My parents. My husband. Church leaders.

And that’s when I realized what was really going on. 

I hadn’t yet fully stopped associating myself with those traits even though I’d left them in the dust. Back in my Christian homeschooling wife days, I would have used many of those types words to describe myself: submissive, religious, compliant, etc.

But I am radically different now than I was even just a couple years ago. 

I only vaguely resemble the person I was pre-pandemic. So why did I still identify with these words? When I was trying to think of 5 words that didn’t describe me, submissive and compliant came to mind. But for some reason, I didn’t feel like I could use them. Like it wouldn’t be somehow dishonest.

But the truth is, I’ve changed. I’m not like that anymore… at all. And I think it’s time that I let go of that part of my identity. It’s time for me to forgive myself for being duped by manipulative religious indoctrination. It’s time I let go of my old identity and fully embrace the badass I’ve become.

One of my mentors says you can start fresh and become a totally different person whenever you want. And I think it’s time for me to do that. I’ve already become that new person. But it’s time I fully accepted her and let go of who I used to be.

What about you? Are there 5 words that described you before you came out that just don’t fit anymore?

BTW… I keep forgetting to mention this, but I created a resource guide for newly out and questioning women. It’s got everything from books to online communities to TikTok creators. If you’d like it, you can snag a copy here. Just scroll down a smidge and put in your first name and email. This will also put you on my email list, which I have yet to actually send an email to. But you can always opt-out at any time…