It’s Not My Job to Be Pretty

One of my favorite things about being a lesbian is that I’ve been able to totally release the cultural idea of female beauty. You’ll hear people talk about it in terms of the “male gaze”.

If you’re not sure what that means, take a look at what women look like in places where men lurk to lust. Porn, strip clubs, swimsuit magazines, etc.

In our patriarchal society, it is the woman’s responsibility to attract men if we want a relationship. We’re taught that we must earn love with our appearance.

I always knew I didn’t live up to this beauty standard. Probably most of us feel this way. But that doesn’t stop us from trying. And the cosmetics and diet industries love us for it.

I went on countless diets, styled my hair, wore makeup, and made clothing choices based on the cultural ideal of female beauty. All the while feeling deeply insecure because I’d never meet the standard.

I totally failed to see the beautiful things about myself that extended beyond physical appearance. None of that seemed important. From an early age I was taught that the only valuable role I could play in life was wife and mother. And I knew I wouldn’t be able to do that if I didn’t attract a mate.

So with my self-esteem in the toilet, I married the first man who wanted to marry me. I blasted through all the red flags and got married as soon as I could. Spoiler alert: it didn’t go well.

When I found out my husband was going to strip clubs behind my back, the burden I placed on myself to be “beautiful” got even worse. My Christian indoctrination kicked in and I took it as my sole responsibility to keep my husband satisfied so he wouldn’t have to turn to other women.

So instead of allowing myself to feel anger that he’d not only violated an agreement we had in our marriage, but had also blown thousands of dollars (while telling me I needed to cut down our grocery budget), I buried all my emotions.

And I worked even harder to be hot and sexy. 

Eventually I got fed up. There was a series of events that finally made me realize that I’d be better off without him. Without any man really. And I got out of my marriage.

It took me over a decade after that to finally admit that I’m a lesbian. But once I got here, I realized something:

Queer people are different.

Now that I’ve settled into the LGBTQ+ community a bit, I no longer feel judged based on how well I meet that vague standard of beauty. I finally feel like I can just be myself. So I’ve let go of the practices that kept me trapped in a shell that didn’t look like me.

✔ No more makeup.

✔ No more long hair.

✔ No more dressing up in girly clothes.

✔ No more dieting.

The freedom I feel being part of the queer community where literally nobody cares if I look “pretty” is revolutionary. I love being a lesbian for a lot of reasons. But this one is definitely close to the top of the list. I can be my authentic self. I don’t have to try to match any beauty ideals. And it doesn’t get in the way of dating, romance, friendships, or anything else.

It’s not my job to be pretty. And it’s not yours either.

I know later-in-life queer women who still struggle with this. It takes time to let go of all the cultural programming. But it’s okay to be exactly who you are.

You can have short hair. You can go without makeup. You can wear men’s clothes. Or you can dress up super girly and dye your hair pink. That’s the thing. It’s totally up to you.

It’s not our job to be pretty.