My Later in Life Lesbian Thoughts on Heartstopper
I KNOW I’m not the only one…
Many later-in-life lesbians — and really anyone who realizes they’re queer as an adult — go through what is often described as a second adolescence.
It makes sense really. During our actual adolescence, we were pretending to be someone we weren’t — whether consciously or not. Sure, I had crushes on boys. But that had a lot more to do with my belief that I was supposed to have crushes on boys.
When I had a crush on a girl, I was usually able to ignore it or convince myself that it was something other than a crush…
🌈 I’m just really loyal!
🌈 Girls are just more fun than boys!
🌈 Of course I feel bad when she wants to spend time with her boyfriend. That’s normal, right?!?
So I guess it makes sense that when we finally figure ourselves out we’d go back to that teenage phase where it’s ALL about being attracted to people, wanting to date, wanting to see what sex is like…
But I’ve also apparently regressed in my tv tastes.
I confess — I’ve gotten monumentally sucked into a show written for teens and tweens. That is totally not my style btw. I hate cartoons and anime. I like grown-up shows.
But when I saw a TikTok about the new Netflix show Heartstopper, I decided to give it a try. It looked really sweet. And for some reason — I assume it’s related to my internalized homophobia — I find it easier to process my conflicted lesbian emotions watching shows about gay men than I do shows about lesbians.
I had the same thing happen with the movie Single All the Way last Christmas. I think I watched it 7 times. And I cried every single time I watched it.
Well… Heartstopper was the same thing all over again, only more.
This show — 8 episodes in season 1 — is a teenage boy gay romance. And it is the sweetest, most wholesome thing I’ve EVER seen. I wish all the homophobic religious people who make all our lives miserable would take the time to watch it with an open mind.
The show demonstrates just how normal it is to be attracted to someone of the same gender.
For me, it was incredibly affirming. And sad. Admittedly, it made me feel old. And it stirred that deep wishing and regret that surfaces from time to time when I think about how much of my life was wasted trying to be someone I’m not. Trying to be sooooo careful with my choices so I would avoid regret later in life.
I won’t give anything away here. But there were moments in that show where I literally sobbed. But not in a bad way if that makes sense. It was more like healing tears. And seeing supportive family members always gets me. I haven’t even told my mom yet that I’m a lesbian because, well… let’s just say she’s not a fan of gay people.
This show stirred something deep inside of me. And yes, it makes me feel a little silly that a show made for tweens and teens could affect me so profoundly. But in a way, I have much in common with them. Take away the decades of experience, the raising of my children, marriage & divorce, living as a single mom for 12+ years, supporting my family with almost no child support… But other than all that, I’m going through that same self-discovery process that teens and tweens experience.
But I have the extra fun of overcoming decades of homophobic religious programming. I fought off being gay for decades because it was the scariest thing you could be. I mean, murderers could repent. But if you’re gay, god has “turned you over” to your sinful nature. I learned that gay people were so far gone, that it was pretty much hopeless for them to be good. As a result of all this, I learned to scold myself whenever I feel attraction to a woman. It happens so automatically and unconsciously that I barely even notice it.
I think this show helped heal that a little. I’m at least noticing it now. And I’m able to stop myself and give a gentle reminder that it’s okay. For me, being attracted to a woman IS wholesome and right. And maybe someday… I’ll have that sweet romance that I missed out having as a teen.
Anyway… do yourself a favor and watch it.
