The Day the Music Came Back

For all those years I was married to a man, I was a shadow of myself. I was completely wrapped up in being a wife and a mother and a Christian. And it didn’t get much better even after I got divorced and started my long journey as a single mom.

I wasn’t living my truth to be sure. But not being honest with myself about my sexuality had bigger impacts than just who I dated or slept with.

From the time I was in 6th grade, I’ve been a musician — like a pretty serious one. In fact, I have 2 degrees in flute performance. Music was my life for a long time. I practiced for 5 hours a day and wanted nothing more than to play in a professional orchestra.

Music was life for me. And not just playing music. I listened to music constantly. And yes, the Indigo Girls was my favorite band in college. (How did I not know I was a lesbian?!?)

But when I got married to a man, I let go of music. Like… completely. I stopped playing my flute and put it in a closet (along with my sexuality I guess). I even stopped listening to music. I’d go months without listening to or playing anything. Well, except the songs at church.

My husband made a comment about it once. He couldn’t understand how I had just set aside something that was so important to me. And I couldn’t really explain it either. I just shut that part of myself off.

It makes more sense now, of course. The musician side of me isn’t the only part I’d shut off. I think I put the music aside because it’s one of the few things that reaches deep down into my soul. I can’t hide when it comes to music. It’s as real and raw as it gets for me.

So when I was lying to myself about my sexuality, the music had to go.

Every once in a while after my divorce, I’d put on some headphones and listen to music late at night. And I’d cry every single time. It was a mix of elation and sadness. But those nights were few and far between.

The day I finally admitted to myself that I’m a lesbian, music came back into my life.

I didn’t even realize it was happening. But the very day I realized my truth, I reached for my earbuds and turned on my happy music. I listened for hours… and danced around my apartment. My kids thought I’d lost my mind. But I hadn’t lost my mind. I’d found my heart.

Music helped me process as I unpacked the reality of my sexuality. I’d stay up late every night listening to music and watching music videos on Youtube. Those are some of my most cherished memories from those first few months. It was like wrapping up in an old familiar blanket.

I’ve listened to music almost constantly since. I can’t imagine a day without it. It makes me sad to think of how locked up I was for all those years. My life was gray. 

But now it’s a rainbow.