Lonely Days

I’ve been single for a long time. Like a really long time.

I was married to a man for over a decade. I got divorced for entirely non-lesbian reasons back in 2010. I forget the exact date. But I can always just Google “when did Sandra Bullock get divorced?” because it’s the same day. 

We separated in 2008, and got divorced in 2010. I didn’t figure out I was a lesbian until 2021. And I spent every minute of that time single. 

I went on two dates with men during those in-between years and they were both awful. I realized at some point along the road that I really didn’t like dating men. It wasn’t any fun and they made me so uncomfortable.

So I resigned myself to being single… forever.

I knew I didn’t want to date men. I thought I just didn’t want to date. But then in 2021 I realized I COULD DATE WOMEN!

And I was very excited. I did wait for a few months to get my feet under me. But then I hit the dating apps. I’ve connected with several women, been on a bunch of dates (to be honest, mostly first dates), kissed a few, and even had a go at lesbian sex.

But I haven’t found my person.

Most of the time I’m fine with that. I’ve got a lot going on. And dating someone takes a lot of energy and time. And I’m still trying to get my kids raised, build my copywriting business, write this blog, stay sane while the world burns around me… You know, I’m busy.

But then there are the lonely days.

It used to happen back when my kids were little and I had to drag some big piece of furniture up the stairs all by myself. Or I’d see a mushy movie and feel super lonely.

For this lonely day, I have my son to thank… sort of. 

My 17 year old son is in Germany for 3 weeks. He’s taken 3 years of German and he won a scholarship to participate in this amazing program. I didn’t even have to pay for air fare.

I was so excited for him to have this experience that I wasn’t prepared for how hard it would be on me. 

When he was telling our relatives about the trip, my nephew's sweet-as-can-be wife looked straight at me and asked me how I felt about it. And until that moment it honestly hadn’t dawned on me to be nervous about him traveling to another country. I was too happy for him.

Now he’s all by himself in a German hospital. 

He broke his ankle — badly enough to need surgery. So he’s in a hospital in a foreign country getting his very first surgery and I can’t even be there. Gratefully, the head of his German program is a lovely human who has taken very good care of him and done all he can to make sure my questions are answered.

But it’s one of those times where I notice the absence next to me. 

Sometimes it’s hard to do everything alone. To not have anyone there to support you or help you figure out the logistics of things. So… lonely day.

My best friend has been a champ with all of this. She’s also a single mom and gets what it’s like. And I’m incredibly grateful for her support during this time.

But it’s not the same as having a partner.

I don’t know what the future holds for me in the romance department. Sometimes it feels like it’s just too late. It’s not an age thing really. It’s more that I’ve been on my own for so long that I can’t really imagine finding my person. And at times I worry that I’m a walking red flag.

I’ve done a lot of work on myself. I’m the journaling queen. I’m super into meditation. I’m learning about recovering from past trauma. I’ve done the therapy thing. But when you’ve been alone for so long, it’s hard to imagine anything different.

And then I stupidly watch “Heartstopper” on Netflix again and it makes me feel worse. Why do we do that to ourselves? 

My son's surgery is tomorrow morning. I’m sure I’ll feel better once that’s done. And I’ll definitely feel better once he’s back under my roof. And I’ll figure out all the things — all the logistics of making sure he has what he needs while he flies, figuring out what doctors he needs to see once he gets back, etc. 

But this is just one of those days when it would be nice to not be in this alone. It’s not that I want someone to come in and wait on me. I’m not that kind of person. But during a challenging time, I think it’s normal to long for support and a good, long hug, right?