It’s My Lesbiversary!

It was one year ago when I had my “holy shit, I’m a lesbian” moment. (I’ll write a whole post about my coming out story. It’s a GOOD one). 

So of course I’ve spent some time reflecting back on the past year. 

The day I figured out my sexuality I felt this tremendous weight lift off me. For decades, my brain had been doing acrobatics trying to keep me from figuring it out. And those years had taken their toll. The weight I carried was tremendous, but I didn’t even know it was there.

But once I realized and accepted the truth about my sexuality, I felt so light. I spent a few hours that afternoon dumbfounded — of course. But once it sunk in, I put in my earbuds, turned up my happy music and danced around the apartment. 

I had a lot of processing to do. Over the next 2 days, my mind replayed my entire life and so many things made sense. 

💡 Ooooooh, I didn’t just ‘look up to’ that older girl at the dance studio.

💡 No wonder I was so jealous of my best friend’s boyfriend.

💡 I never realized that what I felt was sexual attraction.

💡 No wonder sex with my husband was soooo much better when I thought about women.

💡 Is that why the Indigo Girls was my all-time favorite band?!?!

During the days after I figured myself out I made a youtube playlist. I used music to help me process. I stayed up late every night after my kids went to bed and watched the videos on this playlist. 

And thus began my Panic! At The Disco obsession. At the time I had no idea Brendon Urie was an LGBTQ icon. I just knew that’s what I wanted to listen to. 

So today, one year after my sexual revelation, I took some time to reflect back on the past year and all that’s happened. All the ways I’ve changed.

And honestly, I wouldn’t have recognized myself.

😲 I cut off 2 feet of hair.

😲 I stopped wearing makeup.

😲 I’ve started dressing how I feel comfortable.

😲 I came out to my kids. And it dramatically improved my relationship with them.

😲 I found out who my real friends are.

😲 I’ve gone on dates — for the first time in over a decade.

😲 I’ve had intimate experiences with women.

😲 I’ve connected with a whole new community and made new friends.

😲 I’ve deconstructed my religion and walked away from Christianity.

😲 I’ve distanced myself from my relatives.

Tonight as I reflect on the past year, I feel gratitude. And the leftover butterflies that showed up when I revisited that Youtube playlist that helped me process everything. 

And I know one thing for sure: I’m not going back.