Lessons From Panic! At The Disco, Part 1

I’m a musician — like a classically trained with two college degrees kind of musician. I started piano lessons when I was 7 years old. Then I started playing the flute in 6th grade band. When I was in junior high, I got a hand-me-down stereo from my older brother that was equipped with a record player, tuner, tape deck, and gigantic speakers. (Yes, I am GenX.)

I listened to records for countless hours on that stereo system. And I figured out how to make remixes of my favorite songs. They were very cool — if I do say so myself.

Music was a HUGE part of my life all throughout childhood and in my early adult years. Until it wasn’t.

When I started living my fake life as a ChristianWifeAndMother, I let go of music. Like almost completely. I stopped creating music. I stopped listening to music. It’s like that part of me died.

Looking back, I think it was because music is so personal and emotional for me. Hiding from myself and trying to become the perfect ChristianWifeAndMother was hard. I think I had to do a certain amount of shutting down my inner self and separating from my emotions. So… music was out.

But then I had my “Holy Shit, I’m a Lesbian Day”. And music came back into my life. That very day.

And for some reason, that music was Panic! At The Disco. Literally the day I finally admitted I’m gay, I started listening to their music. And I haven’t stopped. It’s been almost 2 years now. And I’ve only listened to Panic! for that whole time. I know, kind of weird. And frankly, I’ve been too embarrassed to talk about it until now.

But what I realized is that I had things to learn from Panic! and their frontman — and now the only current band member — Brendon Urie. I can’t explain it exactly. I was actually pretty embarrassed by the whole thing for a while. I felt like a 14 year old girl giddy over a boy band. Obviously, it wasn’t a celebrity crush exactly. After all… he’s a guy and I’m a lesbian. And it wasn’t sexual in any way. Actually, pictures of him performing shirtless are pretty cringe to me. I think I just felt seen and accepted.

When I first started listening, I had no idea he was a bit of a gay icon. He came out as pan a few years ago and has a huge LGBTQ+ following. Maybe they felt drawn to him for the same reasons I did.

I finally sheepishly told my spiritual mentor about my odd obsession and connection to this person I will never meet. I felt ridiculous telling her. And her response was unexpected. She said, “Kathy, our guides can come from anywhere and be anyone.”

I realized she was right. Brendon Urie had things to teach me. A lot of things as it turned out. I’ll cover the first one today.

Panic! Lesson #1:  I can accept queerness with total and complete joy.

For a lot of women, realizing you’re a lesbian later in life is a very mixed bag. When you figure it out in the midst of a hetero marriage, you’ve got a lot to deal with. There are decisions, very difficult conversations, and lots of grief.

But it wasn’t that way for me. I’d been single for over a decade when I was finally able to admit I’m gay. It wasn’t a marriage that was keeping the truth from me. It was my religious indoctrination and the bigotry of my well-meaning mother.

When I was ready to see the truth about my sexuality, I was READY. My “Holy Shit, I’m a Lesbian Day” was one filled with great joy and relief.

😍 My whole life suddenly made more sense.

😍 I was finally able to let go of the self-judgment that came with not being able to connect with men.

😍 I stopped cold turkey on the daily mental gymnastics I used to hide the truth from myself.

😍 I realized I didn’t have to live up to anyone else’s expectations of me.

😍 For the first time ever, I felt free to be myself.

I was happy. Excited about the future. And filled with pure joy.

And in the course of feeling that pure joy, there were 3 Panic! videos that spoke to me. I watched them over and over again. In all three of them, Brendon Urie looked as joyous as I felt. I think I just needed to see that level of joy in another person.

The first one is the High Hopes official video. You don’t see the joy until the end when he makes it to the rooftop. But once he reaches the top — and comes to terms with having actually made it — he expresses the same joy I felt. I guess it makes sense. Figuring out who I really am has been a long, hard climb. Finally admitting it — and coming to terms with it — was like reaching the top of a mountain, or rather… a building.

The second video is Brendon singing along with a Celine Dion song during a livestream. He throws his arms out and belts right along with her. And again, the joy he exudes is EXACTLY how I felt. He gets so excited, he even throws his hat across the room.

And the last one was a bit he did for the Jimmy Fallon show during the pandemic. He just looks so damn happy. I can’t even count how many times I watched that video. It was incredibly affirming for me — even though it had absolutely nothing to do with being gay.

If you follow Panic! or Brendon Urie at all, you probably know that he “got canceled” while we were all stuck in our homes. Yes, I’m aware of this. I have researched it. And yes, I do have opinions. But I’m not going to share them here.

Regardless of how much of that is true, or even whether or not he’s a good person (again, I have opinions), he helped me through a time of self-discovery and where I needed support. We were deep in the pandemic and I couldn’t trust my family or friends to be happy for me and celebrate with me. Brendon filled a need for me through music and videos. And for that I will be forever grateful.

When you’re figuring out that your sexuality may be something other than straight, it helps to have, well…… help. That’s why I created a resource guide of the things that helped me. You can snag it here if you’d like it. And of course, it’s free.