Put a Finger Down
Are you on TikTok?
I had absolutely no desire to jump on another social media platform. I mean, I was already spending waaaaay too much time on Instagram.
But then when I first came out to my mentor in early 2021 — when everything was still locked down and I couldn’t meet anyone face-to-face — my mentor said, “you need lesbian TikTok.”
So I gave it a go. And yes, it is glorious. And it is gay. There are loads of queer people on TikTok. And if I spend enough time on there, sometimes I forget that straight people even exist. It’s like this gay utopia where I feel seen and understood. It didn’t take me long to learn all the lesbian lingo and to believe that what I felt was normal and beautiful.
Last June — my first Pride month since realizing I’m a lesbian — TikTok was immeasurably therapeutic. Before I came out, I honestly didn’t really understand Pride. I knew there were parades and stuff, and I even had plans to go to a couple of events. But I didn’t really GET IT.
But then June 1st, I hopped on TikTok. And I saw video after video celebrating people just like me. There were Pride flags everywhere, and encouragement, and music that made me cry. I felt so seen, and accepted, and celebrated. I even had people wishing me a “Happy Pride” in my DMs.
Thanks to Tiktok.
I try to limit my Tiktok time to the weekends… because I need to life and adult during the week.
So, since it’s Saturday night, I opened the app. And I scrolled along. People were ranting about all the anti-LGBTQ+ bills being proposed in state legislatures around the country. There were a few — though not nearly enough — lesbian thirst traps. I saw several religious deconstruction videos. And I even saw a funny cat video or two.
But then I saw the latest “put a finger down” challenge.
If you aren’t familiar… the put a finger down challenge is a TikTok trend where someone will say “put a finger down” and then list a variety of things. Anytime one of the things listed applies, you put a finger down. Then at the end, if you put down a lot of fingers, you’ve discovered something you can relate to.
It’s done in a spirit of fun. Some are totally silly — put a finger down Gen X edition. Some are more serious — put a finger down ADHD edition.
Tonight I stumbled across put a finger down LGBTQ+ edition. And it broke me. Put a finger down if…
😥 you were just a kid when you heard people use your sexuality as a slur to bully you or others.
😥 you ever pretended not to be your sexuality for fear of losing a job, friends, or family.
😥 you were ever told your sexuality was a sin or just a phase.
😥 you ever tried to pray the gay away so you could feel normal or accepted.
😥 you’ve ever been stared down or yelled at by a stranger because you showed PDA for a significant other.
😥 you know people who wouldn’t come to your wedding because of who you love.
There were more. Enough to run out of fingers.
It’s not like I didn’t already know all these things. But there was something about hearing them all in one place that made it all really hit home. I think I started crying by the 3rd one.
Being gay in this culture is hard. Much of the evangelical Christian community has worked diligently to demonize us and persuade the world that we are somehow a danger to civil society. People are actually convinced that they are serving their god and protecting their community by repressing and discriminating against us.
It’s no wonder it took you and me so long to figure out our true sexuality. It’s no wonder we didn’t feel safe sooner.
This needs to change. We deserve to be accepted. We deserve to be celebrated. We deserve to be loved.
I accept you.
I celebrate you.
I love you.
And I’m sending you a big virtual hug.
Things have changed. It’s certainly easier to come out now than it was 20, or even 10 years ago. And when I thought about this TikTok, I started thinking about that. I was tempted to minimize my own experience.
I started thinking about the brave LGBTQ+ people who came out long ago — when being queer was illegal or considered a mental illness. And I admire them. I’m deeply grateful to them.
But I also recognize that I lived through that time. And that’s the whole reason I didn’t come out sooner. That’s the whole reason it took me so damn long to recognize myself. That’s the whole reason I lived a fake life for 50 fucking years.
Things are changing. Look at Gen Z. They’re out and proud. It’s amazing. But those who insist on hating us are fighting back — hard. I’ve lost count of how many anti LGBTQ bills (especially anti-trans) are going through state legislatures.
I’d love for my kids to hear that put a finger down challenge and recognize the struggles of those who came before. But I’d mostly love for them to keep all 10 fingers up.
