Fuck is My Favorite Word

My coming out journey has been closely tied to my religious deconstruction.

I spent decades trying soooooo hard not to sin. I tried to:

✔ Keep my thoughts pure — no fantasizing about women especially

✔ Humble myself — God got all the credit whenever I did anything good

✔ Repent — I got all the blame whenever I did anything bad

✔ Be a good example — always be mindful of how others might perceive my actions

✔ Speak in a way that honors God — keep a super tight rein on my tongue

Then one day my youngest daughter — I think she was in middle school at the time — asked me a question I just couldn’t answer.

“Mom, why is it wrong to cuss?”

I reached back into my Bible-saturated brain trying to find the verse. But there wasn’t one. There were certainly verses I could have used. There were times when Jesus talked about not calling down curses on yourself and whatnot. But I don’t think cussing is at all what he was talking about.

And thus formed a crack in my theology. It was a small one, but a crack nonetheless. It wasn’t the first, or the biggest. But it was a moment when I was able to look at the Christian rules I’d been taught and call bullshit (I like that word too, but not as much).

I didn’t start cussing or anything. I wasn’t ready for that. But I couldn’t deny that my daughter had a point.

But then, I started deconstructing my faith. And let me tell you…

I discovered the deeply blissful joy that is cussing.

And yes, fuck is my favorite word.

It was especially fun to say at first. In my deeply Christian days I would literally turn down a song if I knew the f word was coming. I was offended by even hearing it. (I was also scared of The L Word when I saw it suggested on my Netflix feed. But that’s a story for another day.)

There is no word that is as empowering as fuck. Doesn’t matter the context. Doesn’t matter the volume. There is just something about that particular word. Maybe it’s because it feels naughty. But I suspect it goes deeper than that.

It’s a slap in the face to the patriarchy. Saying fuck stomps on the claustrophobic religious doctrines that have kept so many of us captive. It feels good. It feels powerful. I’ve even heard that saying fuck can help clear your throat chakra.

Saying fuck has lost it’s power as I’ve said it many, many times over the past several months — but only a little bit.

There is just something freeing about breaking those old rules. It feels good not to have my behavior and values dictated by what someone else tells me. It’s liberating not to be ruled by an ancient book that was written before modern science came into play.

Now my morals and my values are my own. And they’re stronger and more compassionate than they used to be. Now I’m kind because I want to be. Now I treat other humans with respect because I think they deserve it. Now I cuss like a sailor because I fucking want to.

And yes, my children cuss too. And I’m totally fine with that.