Is It Too Late for a Fresh Start?

Do you wish you had a do-over? Like you deserve a chance to shake off the hetero-normative structures that kept you from seeing the truth about yourself and re-live the part of life that you missed?

This was a big struggle for me. But when I was still straight, I didn’t expect it to be. When I turned 50 I didn’t feel old. My age honestly didn’t bother me at all. 

But then 4 months later, I realized I’m a lesbian. And then all of a sudden I felt old. It’s like all the decades came crashing down at once. It’s not that I’d aged that much in four months. But I had all this regret because I felt like I’d wasted so many years trying to live someone else’s life.

I’d spent decades trying to squish myself into the mold that was presented to me:

✅ Do everything in your power to align with “beautiful” — including starving yourself.

✅ Be a good Christian girl and don’t question what you’re taught.

✅ “Save yourself” for marriage and then marry a Christian man.

✅ Dress in a feminine style — and have feminine hair — and wear makeup.

✅ Have kids and homeschool them. Be the perfect mom.

✅ Spend loads of time and church and evangelize others.

There were always the rebellious and lesbian bits that slipped through the cracks. Like my Birkenstocks. My mom always hated those shoes.

But, all-in-all, I lived the life I was supposed to live. I ignored my own values and identity to become what “they” wanted me to be.

Then suddenly, it all came crashing down. And I felt old… and resentful.

I had to work through that. And it was yucky. I became really aware of my age. I noticed every time I was the oldest person in a space. I even dyed the gray out of my hair. I cried when one of my friends joked that we were “old”.

I was worried that I’d wasted my whole life. And I was mad at myself for taking so damn long to figure myself out. And I was mad at the structures that made it so hard for me to see the truth.

It’s taken several months of soul-searching and self-acceptance. But I’m feeling better now. Do I wish I’d figured this out in my teens or even 20’s? Fuck yes I do. My life would have been so different. And I wouldn’t have so many beliefs to undo now.

But I can’t go back and change the past. All I can do is move forward and live my life. Letting go of the expectations of others (especially authority figures) is hard. Changing the narrative and breaking generational patterns so my kids can be authentic is hard.

But I’m learning and growing day by day.

And now I smile when I look in the mirror because I just keep getting lesbianer and lesbianer.