I Love Me a Full Moon in Leo

It’s the full moon. Time to release some shit!

I love being in tune with the moon cycle. And I almost always perform some sort of ritual for the new moon and the full moon.

If you’d like to create your own full moon ritual, check out this article.

This month the full moon is in Leo. This is a symbolic and special occasion for me because it was during last year’s full moon in Leo when I finally admitted to myself that I’m a lesbian. This is just a powerful moon for me.

So this year, I’ve started to release things that no longer serve me even a few days before the moon reaches fullness. The biggest one relates to old religious trauma — as so many things do.

When I was a kid, I was taught that you have to obey your parents NO MATTER WHAT. They told me what to do and what to believe. And I followed along. And being the enneagram 1, rule-following good girl, I went along.

But once I hit adulthood and moved out on my own, that should theoretically have all gone away. But it didn’t. It was so deeply programmed into me to obey my parents that to this day I find myself still seeking my mom’s approval (and tacit permission).

My mom has no idea I’m a lesbian. She is not a safe space so I have not come out to her. And it’s been a huge issue for me. I know if I tell her, it will cause a huge rift (not that there isn’t one already). My mom has extreme biases against gay people. And she’s very codependent. So coming out to her is not likely to go well.

She’s not an unkind person. But she was raised in the same religious environment that I was. But she hasn’t broken free. She’s still bound by the intensely ingrained fear, bigotry, and tendency to judge that plagues most evangelicals.

So I go round and round about coming out. Should I do it?

How should I do it?

What should I say?

Will I regret it?

But this morning I realized that it all comes down to one thing:

I’m still looking for her approval. I still feel like I need her permission.

This week we went to her house for Valentine’s dinner. And it was fun. And as I watched her sitting there trying to solve her first Wordle, it dawned on me that she’s not some powerful being who deserves so much influence and control in my life. 

Honestly, she’s just an old woman living her own life the best she can. Yes, she believes that what I do reflects on her — even though I haven’t lived in her home for 30 years. But it is in my power to reject that particular belief. I’m a grown-ass woman and I deserve to live my own life without asking permission or answering to anyone.

But there’s been this huge inner conflict. I find myself formulating arguments to present to her to try and change her viewpoint — to convince her to approve of me as I am. But it’s a no-win situation. Her prejudice against gay people — and tarot and crystals and meditation, etc. — is too deep. And it’s not my responsibility to change it. Honestly, I have no more right to try to dictate her beliefs than she does mine. 

So this year for the full moon in Leo, I’m releasing something big.

I release the belief that I need my mom’s approval or permission.

I’m living my life the way I choose. I’m making my own choices. I’m figuring out my own beliefs and spiritual practices. And I’m doing it with the full understanding that my mom definitely wouldn’t like most of it. I wrote a whole article on that. You can find it here.

But I’m letting go. I’m not wasting any more time or energy trying to gain my mom’s approval for the life I’m living.

Now what am I going to do with all this extra time and energy? 😂