Oh, she’s so pretty…
I didn’t figure out that I’m a lesbian until I was 50 years old. There are a lot of reasons for this of course. Top of the list is spending most of my life zealously following a religion that taught me that you couldn’t be both gay and saved at the same time.
But finally the day came — the day my inner truth clashed against my religious indoctrination one too many times. And the indoctrination — having been weakened during the confluence of events that we all experienced during lockdown — finally lost the battle it was waging against my true inner self.
Holy shit! I’m a lesbian.
It really was that simple. One day I thought I was straight. The next day (after a series of odd events that I’ll share some other time), I knew I was a lesbian.
The day after my “Holy shit! I’m a lesbian” day was interesting. They say that when you have a near-death experience your whole life flashes before your eyes. Turns out that can also happen when you realize you’re gay.
Only it didn’t happen all at once. I still have revelations about my childhood — my relationships, my way of thinking, and behaviors that just never made sense before.
But those first 3 days after finally admitting the truth to myself were… interesting. I’d spent literally decades hiding from myself and explaining away my attraction to women. But once I didn’t have to do that anymore, so much from my life finally made sense. And I noticed things about myself that I’d been fighting mightily to ignore.
One of those is how I watch tv.
I hadn’t consciously noticed it before. But every single time I watch a show I find myself saying, “oh, she’s so pretty” at least once. There is not a show on tv that doesn’t have some woman that I notice something about. Her hair. Her eyes. Her mouth. Something.
When I noticed this behavior in myself during my trying-really-hard-to-be-straight days, I always attributed it to my advocacy and support of the sisterhood. I appreciated the beauty of other women because I’d set aside female competitiveness in favor of cheering other women on.
Turns out, no. I mean, yes, I do love to cheer on other women. I’m happy when I see them finding success. But when I see a woman on tv and think, “on, she’s so pretty”, it’s because I’m gay.
I think all women are beautiful. And once I noticed my tv behavior, I realized I notice the beauty of women all the time. Not in a creepy dude way. I’m not looking at them like they’re meat. But every time I’m out I find myself thinking things like…
😍 I love her style
😍 Her hair is so pretty
😍 What a cute smile
😍 Her laugh is so musical
😍 She looks hot with those tattoos
And on… and on… and on…
Funny how I almost never notice how men look. I mean, occasionally I guess. But women. They hold beauty in their being. All of them.
Sometimes I still feel bad that it took me so long to figure myself out. I think of the wasted years and the lie I tried so hard to live. I get angry at the anti-gay rhetoric I believed as “truth” just because it came from people I perceived as authority figures.
But I think in a way, I’m able to appreciate my queerness even more because of it. You can’t understand the light if you haven’t lived in the darkness I guess. So when I have an “oh, she’s so pretty” moment, I don’t take it for granted. It’s good to be a lesbian.
