Fun Is Not Overrated
Coming out after decades of denial about your true sexual orientation is no picnic. There’s a lot involved and a lot of it is HEAVY.
Maybe you’re unearthing yourself from what turned out to be a mixed-orientation marriage. Many women figure out their true sexuality after spending time — sometimes years — being married to a man. And when you decide it’s time to live your truth, you’ve got a lot to deal with, including incredibly painful conversations with spouse, kids, family, and friends.
Then there’s the divorce itself. Anyone who’s been through one knows that divorce sucks. Getting married is pretty easy paperwork-wise. But boy it’s a tough thing to undo. It takes a long time. It’s expensive. It’s emotionally exhausting. And on a practical level (even if you don’t have kids), it takes a huge amount of time and emotional energy.
Then if you’ve got an angry soon-to-be former spouse, or confused and sad children, or disappointed family members, or all of the above — it’s hell on earth.
But even if you aren’t having to disentangle yourself from a marriage, you’ve still got a lot to deal with as a later-in-life lesbian. The internalized homophobia runs deep for many of us. Oftentimes, coming out means a total re-evaluation and deconstruction of the religious beliefs you grew up with. And that can mean more damaged relationships and disappointed family members.
I’d venture to say that all later-in-life lesbians have things to unpack when it comes to comphet — compulsory heterosexuality. If you’re not familiar, this is one of the main driving forces that keeps women in the closet. In our culture it’s assumed that everyone is cis and straight. That’s why people have to come out as gay, bi, trans, whatever. But straight people don’t have to come out because they fall into the expected sexual orientation and gender identity.
And then there’s the whole process of self-discovery. Who am I really? What do I believe? What do I want my life to actually look like? What is my personal style? Do I need to look like a lesbian? Do I want to? Do I want to date? Get into a relationship?
For many of us — especially those who’ve surrounded themselves with people whose religious beliefs label the LGBTQ+ community as “bad” — we need to find a whole new set of friends and chosen family who will love and accept us as we are.
Coming out later in life is a big, heavy, mountain-moving thing to do. That’s why it’s so important not to forget to have fun.
I remember when I rediscovered fun back when I was getting my divorce. I had four kids under the age of 10. I was facing single-motherhood. I was thousands of miles away from my family. I had no job or way to support me and my kids. And since my husband was very unstable, I knew I couldn’t count on getting child support.
I spent months in a pit, just trying to make it through each day. The future felt scary and bleak. And I had the weight of the world on my shoulders trying to figure out how I was going to raise and support 4 kids all by myself.
Then one day I remembered what fun felt like.
Confession time. I’m a Star Trek fan. Like a major trekkie. I’ve watched the various Star Trek series over and over again. I know all the trivia and can rattle off detailed histories of a variety of alien species. An embarrassingly large percentage of my wardrobe consists of Star Trek t-shirts. And I drink my coffee out of a Star Trek mug every morning.
As I was disentangling myself from my marriage in 2008 and 2009, I had completely forgotten what fun was. The word was simply not a part of my vocabulary. It’s not like I missed fun or longed for it. I had literally forgotten that fun even existed.
But then, a new Star Trek movie came out. Now, if you’re not a Star Trek fan you may not realize (or care) that there hadn’t been any new content in years. The last tv series had been a total flop. S I didn’t expect to ever see anything new again. I remember when I watched the last episode of the last Star Trek tv series and I thought, “I’ll never get to watch a Star Trek for the first time again”, and I was genuinely sad.
But all of a sudden there was something new.
My friends sprang into action. Suddenly I had people to go to the movie with. And someone else offered to watch my kids.
When I sat in that theater and the opening credits played, I felt the tears rolling down my cheeks. That 2+ hours fully captivated me. I completely forgot all the horrors that were taking place in my life.
And when I left the theater, I was smiling. Like really smiling. I left with one thought:
Fun is not overrated.
We’ve all been living in a dystopian nightmare for over 2 ½ years now. And if you’re dealing with coming out, or divorce, or anything else hard, it’s really challenging to get your head above water long enough to even catch your breath.
But I want to encourage you. Fun still exists. You will have opportunities to do things that excite you again. There will be events to put on your calendar that you’ll count down the days for. There may even be something available to you now that you haven’t even noticed. That Star Trek movie had been advertised for months. But I was buried so deep in the swampy mire that had become my life, I hadn’t even noticed.
And there will come a time for all of us, where fun can be a regular occurrence again. I know it’s possible. I’m there now.
Last week I got to go see Panic! At the Disco live in concert for the first time. I’m a HUGE fan. And I wasn’t sure I’d ever see them live. But I got to and I had the time of my life. And now I’ve got a trip planned to go to California to visit a friend, and well… to see another Panic! concert. I’m so excited. It’s going to be FUN!
My birthday is next week so I bought myself a killer gift and am making plans for some celebrations. One of the things I love to do is see movies by myself. I know, kind of weird. But I enjoy the solitude and getting lost in someone else’s story. So I decided to check my closest theater to see what movies are playing on my birthday.
You’re not going to believe me when I tell you this. But they have one random mid-afternoon showing of the very Star Trek movie from 2009 that brought fun back into my life all those years ago. I have no idea why. I’m assuming it’s just for me.
It is possible to get out of the murky depths and enjoy your life again. Hopefully you’re already there. But if you’re not, hold onto hope. You can have fun again. You can be happy again — maybe even the happiest you’ve ever been.
